Bullying and Difficult Behavior

in the Workplace

Alan Carniol

As you know, bullying and difficult behavior can come in many different flavors — some of them obvious, and some more pernicious.

Today's example is of the latter.

"Tom" (not his real name) is a Daily Success Boost reader, just like you. He replied to one of my emails a few days ago, asking for some advice.

Here's the gist of his situation:

Tom's supervisor is, when it comes to feedback... inconsistent. One day, he thinks Tom's work is excellent. Next, he says it's terrible.

The kicker?

Tom is meticulous about maintaining a consistent work ethic and standard of performance. He knows what he is doing, and he knows his work is solid. He performs at the same standard, and behaves in the same way, every day!

This "yo-yo" style of feedback has been going on for six months now.

Even though Tom has brought it up several times with his supervisor's managers, they seem to pay lip service and nothing much has changed.

What can he do to deal with this difficult behavior?

In the text below, I'm going to copy and paste the private reply that I sent to Tom. Because, if you're in a similar situation, it can help you as well.

Hi Tom,

It sounds like you are playing a game of "guess what I am thinking". And that's not fun.  The best thing you can do is to find out exactly what the manager is thinking. So for example, next time you have a project, you can let the manager know ahead of time, how you are going to approach it and ask if that is how the manager would approach it as well. Then write down notes.

And then after you deliver the work, ask what worked well for the manager and what didn't.  If he says, "The cover page on this report is terrible", you can say, "Okay. I apologize that the cover page isn't up to your standards. Could you let me know why?"

And you might hear back, "Well look at it, I mean, the title just looks bad. It's just bad." You would say, "Okay. I understand that the title looks bad. Is it not the right font size? Should I bold or underline?"

Keep pushing for specifics, and don't leave until you have them. He may push back and avoid giving specifics.

Just keep asking, saying things along the lines of the following: "Okay, I understand that's not right. Can you tell me what could make it right?" And then write down these specifics, and repeat them back to the manager before the end of the conversation.

And then next time you need to do a report, you can say: "Okay. As we discussed last time, I am going to create a cover page with Times New Roman font type, size 18, alignment centered... Is that correct?"

Try this approach for say the next three weeks, and let me know how things turn out.

Be sure along the way to date your records of each conversation, and take notes on what the manager says.

If possible, word for word. That way, if the manager says, "This is all wrong!", even though it's what they said they wanted, you will be able to respond, "Well, on Monday the 21st, at our noon meeting, you said that you wanted... so I believe that is what I delivered here."

And if this manager is acting irrationally despite your best efforts to approach them rationally and problem-solve, then you have written documentation of their behavior. This should cover your back.

- Alan Carniol