Sylvia Joyner, a Minister’s Wife:

Help or Hindrance

 Donald McNeal

We find in the book, Sylvia Joyner, A Minister’s Wife: Help or Hindrance, to Chapter 7 for what I choose to call “Building Wisdom.” Mrs. Joyner offers a romantic view of a grand lady in scripture portrayed poetically in Proverbs 31. I agree completely that wisdom must be built. Paul writes a wonderful text in 1 Corinthians 3:10-11, “According to the grace of God which is given unto me, as a wise masterbuilder, I have laid the foundation, and another buildeth thereon. But let every man take heed how he buildeth thereupon. For other foundation can no man lay than that is laid, which is Jesus Christ.” KJV I read the chapter asking young women and veteran women to charter through Proverbs 31 and become that woman. Nonetheless, little is discussed other than “do not trust your feelings.” Let’s begin our “Building Wisdom” Segment to assist young women with this vital quality which arises soon in the relationship.

Our common start is a workable definition of wisdom. Godly wisdom has three components: first, ability to think and act; secondly, prior training on the dynamics of your environment required; and lastly, control of one’s emotional actions and reactions. Wisdom is not just doing, but thinking about the doing prior to the engagement of action. Discipline of feminine feelings is one of the 1st stages at becoming a virtuous woman (wife) whose mouth speaks wisdom and tongue says things fitly spoken. Mrs. Mirian Jackson in our class gave great insight about moving from the dating process to the married life: The whole dating process hides the strength required in marriage. Dating is all about the female’s desire. But, once married the shift in attention goes to the husband, and the submission matters surface as to him as the leader of the group. Most women feel slighted during this growth period. But, her love as the treasure of her husband’s heart and her husband’s life comforts her; since he has made the public announcement that he wants to spend the rest of his life with her. Next, development of an extended family begins to surface. Then the child(ren) attention needs take away from her personal desires and attention, even the more. A wise mother of the newlywed bride can help her to mature quickly or the woman will be caught in an avalanche of feelings of self-denial; feeling overlooked and feeling neglected. Mrs. Joyner in her defense states that wisdom includes yourself and your helper (helpmeet) and being aware of others and their needs. The cognitive side of being aware must move into action and including wisdom in the marital unit. Otherwise, the wife of the minister will be waiting impatiently for him to come home or spend time with her only. (A rare moment in a significant pastor’s or minister’s life.) We must treasure those quiet times weekly and make room for them to balance the forced inclusion of others for divine wisdom.

Stage Two will show how well the woman and wife has learned from her teachers, family structure and the environment about people, objects, events, situations. Her willingness will be tested at the perception level, judgment level and actions taken from what she has been trained. Ministry is not about self-assertiveness or self-aggrandizement. Engaging people does not mean embodying all they speak around you, to you and for you. Most communities are free volunteers of what they think, without the least idea of how to apply it in their own lives. Conversations with others by mixing and matching a “friend” relationships with the membership and then having an intimate relationship with the Pastor or co-pastor will lead to demise of the submission factor. I may be chauvinistic in this idea, but my wife is for my personal and family comfort not for the employment and call to ministry at the Church where I am called to pastor. I did not marry her to co-pastor the church with me. Likewise, I do not try to co-teach with her at her employment. The Church must be a zone we participate but not both try to lead.  As a male, I expect her love and support, not her wrangling over what business decisions or spiritual decision I should take at the local congregation. I know those who try the Co-pastor model; but in theory it appears to work, but the authority level of a congregation and pastor should not be divided. Likewise, the wife should not be submitted to the political sabotage of membership at their home level. If the marriage is to last, clear lines of authority and demarcation must occur. Otherwise, the marriage will cease and the business relationship will continue. The male leader will find someone else for comfort and that destroys what marriage is about. 43 years have allowed my wife to be a great leader in her realm, without trying to press, correct or nudge me in a business relationship that the Sprit of God is not leading. This is manipulation at a demonic level. The Proverbs 31 model is where the woman works at another venue; which many bi-vocational women do not want. Avoid worldly mixing and matching. The Proverbs 31 woman has maintained her home and her personal chastity. Wisdom knows not to mix business and love. One will suffer and end; usually the love.